I Made You Brownies!!

I made you some brownies!  I will bring them to you!  They are hot and fresh and smell wonderful!  Would you like some?

I should probably tell you that I put just a small teeny tiny spoonful of dog poo in them.  Don’t worry, the dog poo was fresh!

What you don’t want any now?  How come?  The brownies are MOSTLY good!

You won’t eat something that is just MOSTLY good?  Why not?

Unfortunately mostly good is good enough for many Christians.  We listen to music that is “mostly good” and ignore the references to pre-marital sex, foul language or the fact that the music was written by a guy who openly expresses his hatred for all things Christian.  We watch TV shows that are “mostly good” and ignore the fact that its characters are taking God’s name in vain, having extramarital affairs and ridiculing the neighborhood Christian.  We read books that are “mostly good” and ignore the references to the new age/witchcraft.

We have become content with “good enough.”  Well, guess what?  Good Enough is not good enough!  We can do so much better!

We are blessed by a salvation that is not based on works.  But that doesn’t mean that we should not do good works!  That doesn’t mean that we can wallow in our former filth!  We are called to be Christ-like and something tells me that Christ wouldn’t be doing half of the things that we do that are “mostly good”.  And I am pretty sure that He would be doing a whole lot more that “good enough”.  He is the standard by which we are to live our lives.  “Mostly Good” and “Good enough” aren’t!

Breakfast with a Friend

I have a friend who has worked at a donut shop for almost 20 years.  She basically eats, breathes and sleeps donuts.  Remember the old Dunkin Donuts commercial “Time to Make the Donuts?”  You know, the one where the guy wakes up when the rest of us are going to bed and heads to work chanting, “It’s time to make the donuts.”  Well, that is my friend.  She works at a bakery, makes their donuts, then stands at the counter and sells the donuts she made.

A few weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to go out for breakfast.  And then without thinking I said, “Or we can grab coffee and a donut and then go shopping.”  She grimaced and adamantly shook her head back and forth.

Boy, did I feel silly!  I just offered her something that she has day-in and day-out!  We ended up going to a nice little breakfast nook where she proceeded to get almost every non-donut item on the menu!

That whole experience got me thinking…and here is what I came up with:  The churches that are focusing on “leveraging culture” and being “relevant” are doing exactly what I did to my friend.  They are offering donuts to the donut lady.  They are offering the world to the world.   An unbeliever who is searching for something more won’t want “more of the same”.  We aren’t going to reach a donut-maker by offering them donuts.  We aren’t going to reach the Starbucks coffee drinker by offering them Sunday morning coffee.  We aren’t going to reach the world by offering them the world.  We will only reach them through the Holy Spirit working in their hearts!  We will only reach them with Christ’s love.  And Christ’s love never has to be watered down with Starbucks coffee, jazzed up with a little U2, or doctored up with a techno-colored digitally produced micro-commercial.

Sickened by “Relevance”

What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance.
Blending in so well that people can’t see the difference.
It’s the difference that sets the world free.

(What the World Needs, by Casting Crowns)

This morning, I read something on a friend’s blog that deeply troubled me.  It was about our previous church and their obsession with the world and its culture.  This church, in its attempt to be “relevant”, adheres itself to the very things that Christians are to shun.  It does this in a very dangerous and insidious way.  The pastor of this church takes things from the world that sound “almost” right and merges them with scripture.  He preaches sermons based on TV shows that praise sin.  He titles his sermons on songs by musicians who are known for their new age and/or anti-Christian practices.

Why is this a problem?  I mean, after all, some of the lyrics in the songs are good.  And what is wrong with pointing to a TV show in a “what not to do” type of sermon?

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 says

^“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”
“Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

When we bring the sin-filled products of non-Christian musicians, actors, writers, etc into our churches we are yoking ourselves with unbelievers.  We hare saying to unbelievers, “Hey!  We are just like you.  We listen to the garbage that the world offers.  We fill our minds with songs about pre-marital sex, transcendental meditation, and all sorts of other filth!  We watch shows that glorify people who have extramarital affairs.  And we just can’t get enough of foul language!  And not only do we listen to it, we preach about it and make it the focal point of our services.  We are just like you!”

“We are just like you.”  That tells unbelievers that we have nothing to offer them.  We are not different than they are.  We spend our days and nights reveling in the same sinful thoughts and activities as they do!  And we don’t even try to be any different.  We just want them to know that we are soooo uber-cool!

I am sickened!  I am disgusted!  I am angry!  Pastors like this are leading people astray and they will have to answer to God for that!

What we need to be saying is “We WERE just like you.  We are no longer who we used to be.  We ARE new creations!  Let us show you what God’s love has done for us.  We are no longer the same, but we understand you because we WERE just like you!”

Hubby

Hubby is stressed and I don’t know how to help him.  He has been unemployed for three months.  Financially we are doing OK and will be OK even if he is unemployed for the next six to twelve months.  But mentally, this is really getting to him.  I keep reminding him that God is in control and that him being able to be home is a blessing because he is able to take care of LSS.  Seriously, if he were not able to be at home with her, I have no idea what we would do!  This is a huge blessing and I think that God planned it to be just like this!  In fact, I KNOW that God planned it to be just like this.

He is also feeling those “Oh-My-Gosh-I-am-stuck-all-day-in-the-house-with-a-five-year-old” feelings that every stay-at-home parent feels at one time or another.  But since we are limited in how we can raise her (since she is still not technically ours), he is at a loss for how to correct and mold her behavior.  There are things that we would do a bit differently if she was officially ours.  He is also at a loss because there aren’t very many resources for people in a situation like ours.  Since LSS is not a ward of the state and is not a “foster child” in the legal sense of the word, we are very limited.  We can’t get her the counselling that she desperately needs.  We can’t reassure her that she won’t have to move around from place to place again.  (She has been talking about that a lot lately.)  So we are stuck in a sort of limbo and Hubby bears most of the weight of it because he is with her most of the time.

He is a wonderful and amazing man.  His unemployement at this point is something that I am actually taking comfort in because I know that LSS is safe with him and that he can see to her needs.  But I know that he is stressed and I don’t know how to make it better.  And that really SUCKS!  I am a “fixer”.  I want to fix this for him, but I can’t.

But I know Someone who can.  So I will intercede with God on Hubby’s behalf and pray that God helps him through this time of uncertainty.  And I will do my best to let him know that he is the best Hubby in the whole wide world!

So Many Preganancies, but None are Mine

LSS’s mom had a baby a month ago.

My step-sister, just had her fourth (all under the ages of five) and her husband has been cheating on her for years.

G. got married three years after me and is having her first baby in a week.

C. is unmarried and pregnant.  The father has abandoned them.  She never wanted children, but God has changed her heart and she is beginning to get excited.

L. got married six months before me and will have her second baby in November.

My co-worker, J. is due with her fifth (unplanned and not completely wanted)  in December.

H & B will have their third (all under the age of three) in January.

Another co-worker, A is having her second in February.  (She literally only tried once to get pregnant with this one!)

My other step-sister will have her second in March.

K & E were just surprised with a very unexpected positive pregnancy test.  They didn’t want any more children.

S. got married three years ago and will have her second baby in April.

All these babies around me, none of them are mine, but I believe that God has placed them in my life for a reason.  Some of these women need to be shown God’s love.  Some need an extra hand with dealing with the new addition.  Some will become adorable new fixtures in my extended family.  Some are our best friend’s little ones.  All of them I will hold and shower love upon.  Never will I regret their existence.  But each time that I hold one, I will wish that he/she was mine.

If I had a little girl…

If I had a little girl, she would look like LSS.

She would have dark brown hair.

She would have dark brown eyes.

She would have Hubby’s olive skin.

She would have my mischievous smile.

Just like LSS.

If I had a little girl, she would act like LSS.

She would be stubborn like me.

She would be goofy like Hubby.

She would be sensitive and emotional.

She would cry over cartoons.

Just like LSS.

If had a a little girl, she would sound like LSS.

She would dance around the house and sing constantly.

She would not stop talking.

She would call me over and over until I grew tired of my name.

Just like LSS.

If I had a little girl, I would treat her like LSS.

I would take so many pictures, that she would grow tired of the flass.

I would cuddle her at night while Hubby read us a Bible story.

I would rock her in my arms while singing to her of Christ’s love.

I would scold her for misbehavior and then gather her in my arms and teach her about forgiveness.

I would gently kiss her sleeping eyes.

I would tell her that she is one of the best things that ever happened to me.

Just like LSS.

Other People’s Kids

For as long as I can remember, I have always taken care of other people’s kids.  When I was eight, there was a little girl in our church who came from an abusive home.  She was missing all of her teeth because her mother had knocked them out of her mouth with a shovel.  She was dirty and smelly.  Her clothes were tattered rags.  But I loved her and sheltered her and defended her.  Even though she was only a year younger than me, she was my girl.

When I was 11, there was a set of 2-year-old twins that I “adopted”.  Their mommy was pregnant.  Their daddy was an abusive jerk.  So I became their second mommy and spent all my free time at their house helping their mommy take care of them.  I spent two straight weeks with them when the baby was born and helped to take care of her as well.

When I was 15, there was a three-year-old from a rough home.  I took care of her for a year and then when her brother was born, I convinced my mom to let them both move in with us for the summer so that I could take care of them while their mom did her own thing.

I have always taken care of other people’s kids.  I have always lavished attention upon kids from broken homes.  I have never regretted it.  I know that this will forever be my call in life.

But I feel gypped.  And worse yet I feel like I was gypped by God.  Sure, I know in my head that I haven’t been.  But that makes me feel even worse.  Because I still feel gypped AND I feel like I am being a bad and ungrateful Christian.

I long to have tiny arms wrapped about my neck while a tiny voice whispers, “I love you, Mommy.”  I long to know that someday I will see the emotional, spiritual and physical investment that I am pouring into a little soul come into maturity.  I long to wrap a tiny body into my arms and say, “Nothing will ever separate you from my love, ” and know that no one  will ever legally be able to take that child away from me.

Many people have told me that I am doing a “great thing,” something that not many other people would ever do.  But that doesn’t make me feel any better.  All that I know is that I love these little children who aren’t mine and that loving them will inevitably break my heart.

The knowledge of that heartbreak will NEVER make me stop loving other people’s kids.

But loving other people’s kids will NEVER make me stop longing to have one that belongs to me.

Back to Her Old Ways

In May, we started getting LSS on weekends again after not having her for a couple of months.  In June, her mom asked us to keep her while she was on bedrest.  The baby was born the end of June.  Ten days after the baby was born, LSS went to stay with her mom for two nights.  Her mom couldn’t handle her any longer and gave her back to us.  The next week, she took her again for two more nights.  Well actually, she only kept her for one night before pawning her off on someone else and then calling us to get her.

When we picked LSS up, there was an overpowering smell of air freshener in the air and LSS’s mother did not invite me into the apartment like she had the past couple times.  I peaked around her and into the apartment.  It was 9:30 am, but was very very dark in the apartment.  All the shades were tightly drawn.  LSS’s mother seemed groggy.  I chalked it up to her not being much of a morning person.

Two days ago, I called LSS’s mother so that LSS could talk to her.  The first thing that she said was, “You aren’t wanting to send her back, are you?”  I reassured her that we did not want to send her back and would gladly keep her indefinitely.  I told her that she was being a very good girl for us and we loved having her.  She was very relieved.  She talked with LSS for all of three minutes and then they hung up.  LSS didn’t ask to see her.

Later that day, we took LSS out for an ice cream.  As we were driving LSS said, “Mommy is doing bad things again.”  I pressed a little for more details.  She hesitated and said that she didn’t want to get into trouble.  I told her that she could tell us anything and would never get in trouble for what she told us.  The next thing out of her mouth was, “Mommy is smoking weed again.”

I asked her how she knew and she told me that she smelled it and that she saw them “putting it into paper straws to smoke”.  She also said that they hide it under the cushions whenever she comes into the room.

My heart is broken for that sweet girl!  Five years old and she not only knows what week is, but she also knows what it looks like, how it smells and that her mother is smoking it.

I don’t know what to do.  We are meeting with a nun from the local Catholic children’s home soon.  Hopefully she will be able to give us some advice.  I just don’t know what to do.

Not Dead, Just Stressed

I can’t believe that I haven’t blogged in two weeks!  UGH!  I am not dead, but I am unbelievably stressed!  I will update soon!

This Kid Stuff is CRAZY!

We have had LSS for three straight weeks or so.  And have had her more often than not for the past month.  She is very high maintenance and requires ALL of our time and attention.  Which to be honest has me a bit frazzled right now.  It has taken me 10 minutes just to type the above four sentences!  I have yet to take a shower without being interrupted and have not gotten more than about 5 or 6 hours of sleep in weeks!  I do not have a moment to myself, let alone enough time to put together a blog post!  I even missed posting my Thirsty Thursday post!

But we do love her and know that we are having a positive influence in her little life.  We have no idea how long she will be with us.  I am guessing anywhere from one to six weeks.  So my blogging will be sporadic at best.

Next weekend is my birthday and we had been hoping to ago away for a romantic get-away, but well, that is out for now.  I suppose that we will try to postpone it until she leaves.  At this point I would settle for just a couple of hours alone with Hubby.  Is that selfish of me?  I feel selfish for needing some  “adult” time.  This parenting stuff is really really difficult!