We have LSS with us again.  We have had her for two weeks.  Her mother is having complications with her pregnancy.  She was on bed rest and they began inducing her last night.  LSS was supposed to go out west to be with her grandparents for a few weeks when her mother has the baby.  But that might not be happening now.  She may just stay with us while her mother gets used to the new baby.

I am glad that her mother is trying to turn her life around.  I am glad that she chose to bring this new baby into the world instead of abort it.  I hope that indeed she has changed and will be able to give LSS and the new baby the life that they deserve.  But if she can’t, then I hope that she will realize that LSS (and possibly the new baby) are better off with us.

I am glad that we can help her out, but oh how I wish that LSS was ours!

We got LSS for the weekend!  We had so much fun.  On Saturday, we had lunch with my dad and step-mom.  On the way back, we stopped at a stream beside the road and took pictures.

LSS was disappointed because she couldn’t put her feet in the stream.  So we stopped at the lake too.

Yesterday, we went to my mom and step-dad’s house for a cook-out.  My nephew came by to play with LSS.  He is two years older than she is, but they play very nicely together.  They brought out the bikes.  Hers with training wheels and his without.  She decided that it was time to lose the training wheels.  Would you believe that she didn’t fall even once?  I was so amazed and proud of her!  What balance!

It was a great weekend.  She had her typical “I don’t want to leave you” meltdown yesterday.  But when we brought her home, her mom asked us if we wanted to take her again this weekend.  Of course we do!  What a silly question.

She may never officially be ours, but somehow I think that in our hearts she will always be “ours”.

Two weeks ago, while Hubby and I were on vacation, LSS called!    She told me that she missed us and wanted to come see us.  I explained to her that we were far away on vacation, but that as soon as we got back, we would plan a visit.  LSS told me that she is now back with her mom.  LSS has called us every other day since that first phone call!

Yesterday, I talked to her mom for the first time in a year.  Her mom told me that she has “gotten her life together” and that her boyfriend (the father of the baby that is due in July) is helping her stay on track.  She said that she is excited because she is a “stay-at-home-mommy” now.

We talked for about ten minutes and to be completely honest, she does indeed sound better than the last time I talked to her.  She sounds more coherent.  Her voice is much less gravelly.  Perhaps she really has cleaned her life up.  Perhaps this will only last for the pregnancy.  Perhaps it will be permanent.  Perhaps the new baby’s daddy will leave them like LSS’s daddy did and she will return to her old ways.  Only God knows.

But what I know is that we are getting LSS this weekend!!  And will get to stay in LSS’s life at least for a little while longer.

My hope and prayer is that LSS’s mommy will find the only One who can solve all her problems:  Jesus Christ!

Please God!  Let me be a light that leads her to You!

I do indeed have the best husband ever!  He is a caring, sensitive, protective, wonderful man of God.  And I am so blessed to have him!

We have been wanting to have a baby for a while now…a long, long while.  And while I have been pretty vocal about my struggle, my husband hasn’t been.  Sure, I knew that he wanted to have children…that was something that we talked about before we even were engaged.  He has always been nervous about the whole idea.  (Which I love, by the way, because it shows how desperately he wants to be a great dad!)  But sometimes I used to think that I struggled with our infertility more than he did.

Over the past year, as I watched him with LSS, I could see what an amazing father he would make.  (Even when he didn’t see it!)  And during our last weekend with LSS, my heart was so filled with love for him as we held LSS in our arms one night and sang “Jesus songs” to her.  And then again, as she crawled onto his lap to have him give her butterfly kisses.

Last night, I heard the pain and loss in his voice as he told his mother about the possibility of us never getting LSS again.  I heard him tell her how much he had been looking forward to telling everyone that he was the “proud new daddy of a 40lb, 44″, five year old girl.”  And I realized that he is feeling this loss just as much as I am and that he has been trying to shield me from the pain that he is feeling.  WOW!  He loves me so much that he would quietly deal with his own feelings in an attempt to not cause me more pain.  He has been carrying my pain as well as his own because I have taken this whole situation with LSS so hard.

I knew that he missed LSS, but I just didn’t realize how much.  I am so glad that I now know how much.  It makes me feel even more secure, knowing that he not only understands my pain, but feels it too.  And it makes me feel so loved that he would be willing to carry my pain!

My hubby is the living embodiment of Ephesians 5:25 which says “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her.”

Jesus understands and feels our pain.  And He carries our pain for us too.  My wonderful hubby, does just want he is commanded, he loves me the way that Jesus loves me.

Can a woman be anymore blessed than that?

This weekend was a bit rough for me.  This would have been an LSS weekend, but instead my hubby and I cleaned and did things around the house.  The plan was to clean out LSS’s room and box up her things.

Because of her rough past, LSS tends to have horrible night terrors.   Hubby and I decided early on that we would allow her to sleep in our bedroom anytime that she felt that she needed to.  She has her own room, complete with Littlest Pet Shop sheets and blankets, but we also set up a little bed for her in the corner of our room.   When she would have a nightmare, she would wake up screaming.  I would run to her room, gather her up in my arms and hold her until she stopped crying.  Then we would go into my room and she would fall asleep in bed with me and hubby.  When she was fast asleep I would lay her on the little bed in our room.  Eventually she started feeling safe again and the night terrors didn’t happen as often.  But the bed remained in our room, just in case.

This weekend, hubby brought the bed down to the basement and I folded the blankets and put them away.  As hubby was in the basement, I spotted her “cuddle” (one of her favorite stuffed animals that she would always sleep with at hour house).  Hubby walked back into the room to see me cradling the toy and crying.

We didn’t end up boxing up her things yet.  It just makes everything seem so final.  I know that boxing up her things and putting them in the basement will help us not to be reminded of her constantly.  And I know that if we do ever get her again that we can just unpack her things.  But I can’t bear the thought of her room being empty.

We have talked about turning her room into an exercise room.  And hubby keeps correcting me when I call it “her” room.  But I think that to me it will always be her room.

LSS’s father is a felon.  Last year while on probation, he was again arrested.  Since then he has had a major “conversion”.  He is going to church every week.  Going to NA and AA.  Has a job.  Married his new girlfriend and has a baby on the way.  In May, he will go before a judge and be sentenced for what happened a year ago.  I can’t help but wonder if his “conversion” is just an act to keep from going to jail.  I sure hope not.

LSS’s grandmother (who has custody of LSS) is a flake.  She has decided that she doesn’t want LSS anymore and since it seems like LSS’s dad is “getting his act together”, she is letting him have LSS.  I asked her what she will do if LSS’s dad has to go to jail.  Her reply broke my heart.  “I’ll just give her back to her mom.”

WHAT?!!

The same mom who would leave her home alone every night to go drinking at the bars?  The same mom who told her that if she was bad that she would just call the police to come take her away?  The same mom who would regularly hit her so hard that LSS was used to being checked for bruises and not allowed to go anywhere if she had bruises?  The same mom who was perpetually stoned or drunk?  The same mom who was arrested last summer for having 500 pounds of pot in the trunk of her car?  The same mom who has no problem with strangers taking her child for weeks on end?

THAT MOM?

I am so angry!  I am so frustrated!  Why would God let us think that we were going to get her and then let our hopes be dashed against the rocks?

We are going to try to get into contact with LSS’s dad (who we have never met).  Maybe we can be a resource to him.  Maybe he really has changed.  Maybe if he doesn’t go to jail, then LSS belongs with him.  Maybe if he does go to jail he will allow us to have LSS.

I spent most of last night crying.  Crying because I am sad for LSS that once again she is being rejected and tossed about.  Crying because I don’t know what the future holds for that sweet little girl.  Crying because I desperately want to be her mommy.  Crying because I desperately want to be a mommy.  Crying because I don’t understand why woman like LSS’s mother are able to get pregnant (over and over) while I can’t.

Thirteen and a half months ago, a little girl appeared in my life.  Her Mommy had just started working with a friend of mine.  My friend called me in tears to tell me about her new co-worker who was neglecting and possibly abusing her four-year-old daughter.  After only knowing this woman for two days, my friend asked if she could take her child for the weekend.  Without any hesitation this woman, who we will call BH, let my friend take her child.

That weekend changed my life.  When we met this little girl, my husband and I immediately fell in love with her and I told my friend that I wanted to keep her.  My friend’s response was, “I bet that her mom will let you take her next weekend.”

I wasn’t so sure of that.  I mean, what kind of parent allows someone they have never met to take their child for the weekend?  Well, apparently BH is that kind of woman.

Without ever having met BH in person, I was allowed to come to her apartment, pick up her child and take her away with me for the weekend.  The little girl remembered me from the previous weekend and flew into my arms when she saw me.  She eagerly jumped into my car and away we went.  I realized that she was used to going away with virtual strangers.

Her clothes smelled of cigarette smoke, pot and urine.  They were filthy and too small for her.  So we went shopping!  She fell in love with an all pink Strawberry Shortcake outfit which I gladly bought for her.  It was that day that she told me that she was my “Little Strawberry Shortcake”.

Little Strawberry Shortcake (LSS for short) and I had a wonderful time shopping.  She didn’t ask for anything and  every time I put something in our cart for her, she was amazed and immediately thanked me.

We had her for three days and then brought her home.  Her mom immediately asked me if I would take her the next weekend.  I, of course, said yes.  Soon weekends turned into weeks and we were getting LSS  the majority of the time.

This past summer LSS’s mom got arrested for a drug related offense and LSS went to live with her Grammy.  Her Grammy wanted us to stay in her life, but not quite as much as we had been.  We started getting her only once a month. I missed my LSS, but I had a peace about the situation.

And then, three months went by without use seeing or hearing from LSS or her Grammy.  My hubby and I prepared ourselves to never see her again.  I tried to ignore how the loss was effecting me, but each time that I would see one of her toys lying around the house my heart would break a little.  So Hubby and I decided this past weekend to begin packing up her things.  Luckily we didn’t get too far because on Tuesday, LSS’s Grammy called us and asked us to take her for the weekend!

But Wait…There’s More!!

LSS’s Grammy wants to talk to us about possibly getting custody of LSS!!

But there is STILL MORE!

LSS’s mom is pregnant again and LSS’s Grammy is trying to convince BH to let us adopt the baby!!

I don’t know if all of this will happen, but it seems like this is just one more reminder that God is in control!!