It is no secret that I have been feeling very much like a valley dweller lately.  I have been praying for something good to happen in my life and for God to open my eyes to the good that He is doing.

I am seeing the good!

Because of the step-family issues, my mom and I are closer than we have been in a while.

Hubby has been laid off for over 6 months, but because of that, he has been able to take care of LSS.

Today, a friend told me that she is closer to God because of my example in her life.

Yesterday, LSS found out that her mother is in jail.  We talked about it for a little while, then she crawled into my lap, wrapped her little arms around my neck, pressed her face against mine and said, “I am so glad that you found me.”

God is doing good things.  There are blessings in the valley.  Please God, help me to see each and every good thing that you are doing in my life.

Also, sweet Deirdre, over at stream of continuousness, told me to go to Beth Moore’s blog and watch her video message.  WOW!!  What a timely message.

Hebrews 6:10-12 (New International Version)

¹⁰God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. ¹¹We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. ¹²We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

James 1:2-4 (New International Version)

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

NOTE TO SELF:  Keep working!  Keep pressing through these times of trail.

This has been a disappointing week.  Hubby had an interview two weeks ago.  It was his first in the past six months since his lay-off.  He has tried calling to follow-up and hasn’t gotten any word back.  It is pretty much safe to assume that they went in a different direction.

I have been feeling weird for a week or two.  Kind of like I was going to come down with a cold or the flu.  My friend reminded me that it has been at least five weeks since I had a “real” period.  So on Tuesday, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I waited the two minutes and looked…nothing.  I looked a couple minutes later and there was a very very faint blue line!  I knew that it wasn’t conclusive, so I decided to wait and take one in a couple days.  Try as I may, I could not help but get my hopes up a little as I thought all day on Wednesday about the possibility of being pregnant.  I took another test on Thursday and it was definitely negative.  I took a third one just to be sure and it too was negative.  CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.  I let myself hope and get just a little excited.  I really should have known better.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I still have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control and I trust Him.  It is kind of a strange feeling to be sad, yet still be OK with being sad.  Does that make any sense?  I know God is in control, so I am accepting of not being pregnant.  But the longing to have a baby is still there, so I am also sad.  Oh The Emotions of Infertility.

I have been listening to Nichole Nordeman a lot on my iPod.  There have been two songs that I have played over and over and over.  I thought that I would share some snippets of the lyrics.

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

___________________________________

I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am.  Yes, I Am

___________________________________

I cry through both of them each time.  In fact, many of my co-workers have paused at my desk to ask if I was OK, as I sat and tried to hide my tears and red eyes.  But I cry not just because of my sadness, but also because I am so moved to know that God is still with me!  He is my Creator, my Maker, my Life Sustainer, my Comforter, my Healer, my Redeemer.  I am in awe of who He is!  This may not be “Baby Time”, but it indeed is His time!  I am finding my way deeper into His arms with each disappointment.  I am finding my strength in Him during this time in the valley.  I am crawling through this valley.  My knees are worn and bloody.  But my heart is hopeful and I am thankful for this time in the valley to rely upon Him.  Yes, I long for a mountaintop experience; however He has not brought me through this valley yet.  But once He does, I plan on standing on the top of that mountain with my arms stretched toward Him and bask in the rays of His blessing!

I was sitting in yet another meeting with the auditors and we began discussing WIP.  WIP, otherwise known as work-in-process, is partially finished goods/parts that are no longer considered raw-materials, but are not yet considered to be finished goods.  When the auditors view WIP, they see it at a lower value than finished goods.  But when the General Manager of the company sees it, he sees what he has created and even though it is not quite perfected, he knows the value that it will soon bring.

That got me thinking that I am a work-in-process.  When people see me, they see semi-finished goods, that aren’t of much value.  But when God sees me, He sees me as what He has planned me to be and what He knows I will become.  God sees me as His child.

Galatians 4:7 says “So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.”

So God sees me as His child.  That is an exciting thought!  But I have to admit…I struggle to see myself as anything more that very, very raw material.  Although I know that I am a work-in-process, I truly don’t see much progress within the process.

Romans 8:12-17 says “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

As children of God, we are not to be slaves to sin or to fear.  Yet I struggle daily not to be a slave to both!  And I seem to daily lose the battle.  I despise my sin nature and hate my fleshly qualities, yet I repeatedly let them get the best of me.  Just as Paul said in Romans 8:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (v15)

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” (v18-19)

“When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.” (v21)  (You have heard of Murphy’s Law?  I call this Paul’s Law.)

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v24)

Oh, Paul!  How I feel your pain!

Words have crept into my vocabulary that I would rather not be there.  Lousy attitudes appear at the most inopportune times.  Anger seems to well up inside of me until I can barely contain myself…and sometimes I chose to not even bother trying to contain myself.  Oh Wretched Woman that I am!!!

Indeed, I am a work-in-process.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new!”

As I said in my very first post, becoming new is a process…a continuous thing…a journey.  Oftentimes it is a walk comprised of a few steps forward followed by a few steps backward.  Occasionally it is a walk comprised of valley dwelling and mountain climbing.  But always is it a journey worthy of completion!

Life has been so crazy, hectic the past few weeks.  LSS is now back with her mother.  We will get her on some weekends.  We have a lot of concerns about this new arrangement.  LSS has said that her mother is doing drugs again, but at this point, there is no one willing to investigate the situation.  I guess they want more conclusive proof than the word of a five-year-old.  Perhaps they want her mother to be arrested for dealing again or more obvious signs of neglect/abuse, like bruises or broken bones, before they will be willing to do anything.  It is frustrating.  But all that we can do is pray.

Hubby still has not found a job.  I am OK with this and we are OK financially for now.  But the stress of being jobless is really getting to Hubby.  He is stressed and depressed and it shows.

My mantra has been Psalms 34:10 “The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.”

God is in control and He has promised to provide for us.  And while that may not be in the exact way that we want, it will be a better way than we could dream.  And I believe that He will provide for us in all aspects of our life…physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  All that I can do (and need to do) right now is seek Him and wait patiently upon Him.

According to The American Standard Dictionary, PR or Public Relations is: “The art or science of establishing and promoting a favorable relationship with the public”

Wikipedia says that Public Relations is “the practice of managing the flow of information between an organization and its publics.”

Many of today’s “Relevant” churches believe that it is up to them to be God’s PR representative.  In fact, church marketing is a booming business.  There are businesses devoted solely to creating websites for churches, blogs dedicated to telling about the best church marketing techniques, and even marketing consultants whose purpose is creating influence for the local church.

There are state-of-the-art mega churches that have the latest technology reaching out to the masses, yet 60% or more of their attendees do not believe that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.

According to www.cia.gov, 78.5% of Americans consider themselves to be “Christian”, yet according to a Pew poll, 70% of Americans believe that there are many ways to get to Heaven.

Obviously this “church marketing” phenomenon is not succeeding in bringing people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

By the world’s standards, these relevant churches are doing everything right.  They are leveraging current technology and culture.  They go out of their way to be “seeker sensitive”.  They make sure that they avoid controversial topics like politics, marriage and sin.  Numerically, the churches that use the previous techniques are succeeding.  Spiritually, they are failing appallingly.  Why would that be?

Perhaps it is because Christianity is not a product, it is a lifestyle.  Evangelism is not marketing, it is the natural expression of the joy of our salvation.  And Jesus is not a brand, He is our Redeemer.

Jesus was the only PR Rep that God ever will need and the Bible is God’s press release.

I made you some brownies!  I will bring them to you!  They are hot and fresh and smell wonderful!  Would you like some?

I should probably tell you that I put just a small teeny tiny spoonful of dog poo in them.  Don’t worry, the dog poo was fresh!

What you don’t want any now?  How come?  The brownies are MOSTLY good!

You won’t eat something that is just MOSTLY good?  Why not?

Unfortunately mostly good is good enough for many Christians.  We listen to music that is “mostly good” and ignore the references to pre-marital sex, foul language or the fact that the music was written by a guy who openly expresses his hatred for all things Christian.  We watch TV shows that are “mostly good” and ignore the fact that its characters are taking God’s name in vain, having extramarital affairs and ridiculing the neighborhood Christian.  We read books that are “mostly good” and ignore the references to the new age/witchcraft.

We have become content with “good enough.”  Well, guess what?  Good Enough is not good enough!  We can do so much better!

We are blessed by a salvation that is not based on works.  But that doesn’t mean that we should not do good works!  That doesn’t mean that we can wallow in our former filth!  We are called to be Christ-like and something tells me that Christ wouldn’t be doing half of the things that we do that are “mostly good”.  And I am pretty sure that He would be doing a whole lot more that “good enough”.  He is the standard by which we are to live our lives.  “Mostly Good” and “Good enough” aren’t!

I have a friend who has worked at a donut shop for almost 20 years.  She basically eats, breathes and sleeps donuts.  Remember the old Dunkin Donuts commercial “Time to Make the Donuts?”  You know, the one where the guy wakes up when the rest of us are going to bed and heads to work chanting, “It’s time to make the donuts.”  Well, that is my friend.  She works at a bakery, makes their donuts, then stands at the counter and sells the donuts she made.

A few weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to go out for breakfast.  And then without thinking I said, “Or we can grab coffee and a donut and then go shopping.”  She grimaced and adamantly shook her head back and forth.

Boy, did I feel silly!  I just offered her something that she has day-in and day-out!  We ended up going to a nice little breakfast nook where she proceeded to get almost every non-donut item on the menu!

That whole experience got me thinking…and here is what I came up with:  The churches that are focusing on “leveraging culture” and being “relevant” are doing exactly what I did to my friend.  They are offering donuts to the donut lady.  They are offering the world to the world.   An unbeliever who is searching for something more won’t want “more of the same”.  We aren’t going to reach a donut-maker by offering them donuts.  We aren’t going to reach the Starbucks coffee drinker by offering them Sunday morning coffee.  We aren’t going to reach the world by offering them the world.  We will only reach them through the Holy Spirit working in their hearts!  We will only reach them with Christ’s love.  And Christ’s love never has to be watered down with Starbucks coffee, jazzed up with a little U2, or doctored up with a techno-colored digitally produced micro-commercial.

What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance.
Blending in so well that people can’t see the difference.
It’s the difference that sets the world free.

(What the World Needs, by Casting Crowns)

This morning, I read something on a friend’s blog that deeply troubled me.  It was about our previous church and their obsession with the world and its culture.  This church, in its attempt to be “relevant”, adheres itself to the very things that Christians are to shun.  It does this in a very dangerous and insidious way.  The pastor of this church takes things from the world that sound “almost” right and merges them with scripture.  He preaches sermons based on TV shows that praise sin.  He titles his sermons on songs by musicians who are known for their new age and/or anti-Christian practices.

Why is this a problem?  I mean, after all, some of the lyrics in the songs are good.  And what is wrong with pointing to a TV show in a “what not to do” type of sermon?

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 says

^“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”
“Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

When we bring the sin-filled products of non-Christian musicians, actors, writers, etc into our churches we are yoking ourselves with unbelievers.  We hare saying to unbelievers, “Hey!  We are just like you.  We listen to the garbage that the world offers.  We fill our minds with songs about pre-marital sex, transcendental meditation, and all sorts of other filth!  We watch shows that glorify people who have extramarital affairs.  And we just can’t get enough of foul language!  And not only do we listen to it, we preach about it and make it the focal point of our services.  We are just like you!”

“We are just like you.”  That tells unbelievers that we have nothing to offer them.  We are not different than they are.  We spend our days and nights reveling in the same sinful thoughts and activities as they do!  And we don’t even try to be any different.  We just want them to know that we are soooo uber-cool!

I am sickened!  I am disgusted!  I am angry!  Pastors like this are leading people astray and they will have to answer to God for that!

What we need to be saying is “We WERE just like you.  We are no longer who we used to be.  We ARE new creations!  Let us show you what God’s love has done for us.  We are no longer the same, but we understand you because we WERE just like you!”

Hubby is stressed and I don’t know how to help him.  He has been unemployed for three months.  Financially we are doing OK and will be OK even if he is unemployed for the next six to twelve months.  But mentally, this is really getting to him.  I keep reminding him that God is in control and that him being able to be home is a blessing because he is able to take care of LSS.  Seriously, if he were not able to be at home with her, I have no idea what we would do!  This is a huge blessing and I think that God planned it to be just like this!  In fact, I KNOW that God planned it to be just like this.

He is also feeling those “Oh-My-Gosh-I-am-stuck-all-day-in-the-house-with-a-five-year-old” feelings that every stay-at-home parent feels at one time or another.  But since we are limited in how we can raise her (since she is still not technically ours), he is at a loss for how to correct and mold her behavior.  There are things that we would do a bit differently if she was officially ours.  He is also at a loss because there aren’t very many resources for people in a situation like ours.  Since LSS is not a ward of the state and is not a “foster child” in the legal sense of the word, we are very limited.  We can’t get her the counselling that she desperately needs.  We can’t reassure her that she won’t have to move around from place to place again.  (She has been talking about that a lot lately.)  So we are stuck in a sort of limbo and Hubby bears most of the weight of it because he is with her most of the time.

He is a wonderful and amazing man.  His unemployement at this point is something that I am actually taking comfort in because I know that LSS is safe with him and that he can see to her needs.  But I know that he is stressed and I don’t know how to make it better.  And that really SUCKS!  I am a “fixer”.  I want to fix this for him, but I can’t.

But I know Someone who can.  So I will intercede with God on Hubby’s behalf and pray that God helps him through this time of uncertainty.  And I will do my best to let him know that he is the best Hubby in the whole wide world!

LSS’s mom had a baby a month ago.

My step-sister, just had her fourth (all under the ages of five) and her husband has been cheating on her for years.

G. got married three years after me and is having her first baby in a week.

C. is unmarried and pregnant.  The father has abandoned them.  She never wanted children, but God has changed her heart and she is beginning to get excited.

L. got married six months before me and will have her second baby in November.

My co-worker, J. is due with her fifth (unplanned and not completely wanted)  in December.

H & B will have their third (all under the age of three) in January.

Another co-worker, A is having her second in February.  (She literally only tried once to get pregnant with this one!)

My other step-sister will have her second in March.

K & E were just surprised with a very unexpected positive pregnancy test.  They didn’t want any more children.

S. got married three years ago and will have her second baby in April.

All these babies around me, none of them are mine, but I believe that God has placed them in my life for a reason.  Some of these women need to be shown God’s love.  Some need an extra hand with dealing with the new addition.  Some will become adorable new fixtures in my extended family.  Some are our best friend’s little ones.  All of them I will hold and shower love upon.  Never will I regret their existence.  But each time that I hold one, I will wish that he/she was mine.