LSS’s mother got out of jail last Friday afternoon.  LSS spent the weekend with her and asked to spend this week with her as well.  Today her mother called us and asked us to come get her immediately.  It looks like she might end up back in jail.  She was out on bail, pending a hearing and it seems that she did not pass her weekly urine test.

Last year, we had told LSS’s mother that if she would let us have LSS, we would put her in a private school near my work and give her a great education.  Last Saturday, LSS’s mother told us that we could have her if we put her in that school.  That would be great except for the fact that my husband has been out of work for seven months and we cannot afford to pay for her private education at this point.  GRRRR!!

Getting stability for LSS is still frustratingly out of reach.

It is no secret that I have been feeling very much like a valley dweller lately.  I have been praying for something good to happen in my life and for God to open my eyes to the good that He is doing.

I am seeing the good!

Because of the step-family issues, my mom and I are closer than we have been in a while.

Hubby has been laid off for over 6 months, but because of that, he has been able to take care of LSS.

Today, a friend told me that she is closer to God because of my example in her life.

Yesterday, LSS found out that her mother is in jail.  We talked about it for a little while, then she crawled into my lap, wrapped her little arms around my neck, pressed her face against mine and said, “I am so glad that you found me.”

God is doing good things.  There are blessings in the valley.  Please God, help me to see each and every good thing that you are doing in my life.

Also, sweet Deirdre, over at stream of continuousness, told me to go to Beth Moore’s blog and watch her video message.  WOW!!  What a timely message.

Hebrews 6:10-12 (New International Version)

¹⁰God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. ¹¹We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. ¹²We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

James 1:2-4 (New International Version)

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

NOTE TO SELF:  Keep working!  Keep pressing through these times of trail.

I am part of a very unblended blended family.  When I was 15 my parents divorced and then three months later they both married new people.  These new people both came with kids of their own.  My step-father brought his four and my step-mother brought her three.  Up until this point, I was an only child.

My step-mother is great.  She and I are very close.  In fact, there are times that I call her for advice before calling my own mom.  She views me as her daughter and her kids view me as their sibling.  If anything were to ever happen to either of my step-sisters, Hubby and I would get custody of their children.  We are THAT close.  We take family vacations together each year…even if it is only for a weekend.  I have been a part of their weddings and they have been a part in mine.  With in the next few months, Hubby and I will travel with one of my step-sisters and her husband to help them when they go out of state for the birth of their soon-to-be adopted child.

My step-father’s side is a totally different story.  I am close to only one out of four of my step-father’s children.  I consider her my sister.  I have been very active in her child’s life.  Both she and her son were in my wedding.  The others didn’t even have the decency to return the RSVP.  They have done so much to hurt me that Hubby told me a few years ago that I was to have only minimal contact with them.  We no longer do any “family” functions.  It is too harmful.  One of the main reasons that it is so harmful is that they treat my mother horribly and my step-father does nothing about it.

Over the past few years, my mother has had cancer, a hernia, two knee surgeries, and in a few weeks will be having a double knee replacement.  Each surgery has been met with complications and I am sure that this one will be no different.  I have taken care of my mother through each of her illness and watched how she was not only neglected by my step-siblings, but was also verbally abused.  This has caused a bit of a rift between my mother and me because I couldn’t understand why she tolerated this from them.  But something happened yesterday that made me realize that my mother is not capable of defending herself against these monsters.  My step-father is unwilling to defend her; therefore I will.

Yesterday, my mother came to me sobbing.  My step-brother’s wife had spent thirty minutes yelling at my mother and telling her that she was never going to see her family again.  And this was not the first time that this had happened.  Now, one might think, “There must have been something horrible that happened to cause such an outburst.”  One would be wrong.

The one good step-sibling that I have on my mother’s side is going through a very hard time right now.  She is pregnant with her second child and has been extremely sick.  She is unable to work.  Her husband works third shift and does his best to provide for the family; however they were unable to make ends meet.  So my mom and step-father asked them to move in with them.  My nephew doesn’t get to do the things that his cousins get to do, like trips to Florida, music lessons, etc.  So I decided to anonymously pay for him to go to swimming lessons with his cousins.

My step-brother’s wife called my mother and asked when she was going to receive the check to pay for her children’s lessons as well.  When mom told her that she didn’t pay for the lessons, my step-brother’s wife proceeded to yell and scream and call my mom all sorts of names.  My mom just stood there, frozen, with tears streaming down her face.

When my mother told me about this, I decided that the time had finally come for me to step in.  Firstly, because I was the one who bought the lessons and secondly, because no one has the right to treat my mother (who has done nothing by love her step-children and step-grandchildren like they were her own) so poorly and some one should do something about it.

So I wrote everyone an email and told them that I bought the lessons and to lay off of my mother.  I am now blacklisted (so what?).  Mom is not allowing them to talk to her until they apologize and promise to be civil (finally!).  And Mom has told me that she finally feels safe because she knows that they won’t be allowed to hurt her anymore.

In a perfect world, my mom would be able to take care of this herself or her husband would step it up and take care of it for her.  But this is not a perfect world and my step-siblings are not even close to a perfect family.  Therefore I will do what I can for my mother whenever I can.  And if that means fighting her battles so that she can live in peace for the rest of her life, so be it!  Stop making my mommy cry and just leave her alone!

This has been a disappointing week.  Hubby had an interview two weeks ago.  It was his first in the past six months since his lay-off.  He has tried calling to follow-up and hasn’t gotten any word back.  It is pretty much safe to assume that they went in a different direction.

I have been feeling weird for a week or two.  Kind of like I was going to come down with a cold or the flu.  My friend reminded me that it has been at least five weeks since I had a “real” period.  So on Tuesday, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I waited the two minutes and looked…nothing.  I looked a couple minutes later and there was a very very faint blue line!  I knew that it wasn’t conclusive, so I decided to wait and take one in a couple days.  Try as I may, I could not help but get my hopes up a little as I thought all day on Wednesday about the possibility of being pregnant.  I took another test on Thursday and it was definitely negative.  I took a third one just to be sure and it too was negative.  CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.  I let myself hope and get just a little excited.  I really should have known better.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I still have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control and I trust Him.  It is kind of a strange feeling to be sad, yet still be OK with being sad.  Does that make any sense?  I know God is in control, so I am accepting of not being pregnant.  But the longing to have a baby is still there, so I am also sad.  Oh The Emotions of Infertility.

I have been listening to Nichole Nordeman a lot on my iPod.  There have been two songs that I have played over and over and over.  I thought that I would share some snippets of the lyrics.

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

___________________________________

I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am.  Yes, I Am

___________________________________

I cry through both of them each time.  In fact, many of my co-workers have paused at my desk to ask if I was OK, as I sat and tried to hide my tears and red eyes.  But I cry not just because of my sadness, but also because I am so moved to know that God is still with me!  He is my Creator, my Maker, my Life Sustainer, my Comforter, my Healer, my Redeemer.  I am in awe of who He is!  This may not be “Baby Time”, but it indeed is His time!  I am finding my way deeper into His arms with each disappointment.  I am finding my strength in Him during this time in the valley.  I am crawling through this valley.  My knees are worn and bloody.  But my heart is hopeful and I am thankful for this time in the valley to rely upon Him.  Yes, I long for a mountaintop experience; however He has not brought me through this valley yet.  But once He does, I plan on standing on the top of that mountain with my arms stretched toward Him and bask in the rays of His blessing!

I was sitting in yet another meeting with the auditors and we began discussing WIP.  WIP, otherwise known as work-in-process, is partially finished goods/parts that are no longer considered raw-materials, but are not yet considered to be finished goods.  When the auditors view WIP, they see it at a lower value than finished goods.  But when the General Manager of the company sees it, he sees what he has created and even though it is not quite perfected, he knows the value that it will soon bring.

That got me thinking that I am a work-in-process.  When people see me, they see semi-finished goods, that aren’t of much value.  But when God sees me, He sees me as what He has planned me to be and what He knows I will become.  God sees me as His child.

Galatians 4:7 says “So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.”

So God sees me as His child.  That is an exciting thought!  But I have to admit…I struggle to see myself as anything more that very, very raw material.  Although I know that I am a work-in-process, I truly don’t see much progress within the process.

Romans 8:12-17 says “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

As children of God, we are not to be slaves to sin or to fear.  Yet I struggle daily not to be a slave to both!  And I seem to daily lose the battle.  I despise my sin nature and hate my fleshly qualities, yet I repeatedly let them get the best of me.  Just as Paul said in Romans 8:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (v15)

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” (v18-19)

“When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.” (v21)  (You have heard of Murphy’s Law?  I call this Paul’s Law.)

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v24)

Oh, Paul!  How I feel your pain!

Words have crept into my vocabulary that I would rather not be there.  Lousy attitudes appear at the most inopportune times.  Anger seems to well up inside of me until I can barely contain myself…and sometimes I chose to not even bother trying to contain myself.  Oh Wretched Woman that I am!!!

Indeed, I am a work-in-process.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new!”

As I said in my very first post, becoming new is a process…a continuous thing…a journey.  Oftentimes it is a walk comprised of a few steps forward followed by a few steps backward.  Occasionally it is a walk comprised of valley dwelling and mountain climbing.  But always is it a journey worthy of completion!

Life has been so crazy, hectic the past few weeks.  LSS is now back with her mother.  We will get her on some weekends.  We have a lot of concerns about this new arrangement.  LSS has said that her mother is doing drugs again, but at this point, there is no one willing to investigate the situation.  I guess they want more conclusive proof than the word of a five-year-old.  Perhaps they want her mother to be arrested for dealing again or more obvious signs of neglect/abuse, like bruises or broken bones, before they will be willing to do anything.  It is frustrating.  But all that we can do is pray.

Hubby still has not found a job.  I am OK with this and we are OK financially for now.  But the stress of being jobless is really getting to Hubby.  He is stressed and depressed and it shows.

My mantra has been Psalms 34:10 “The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.”

God is in control and He has promised to provide for us.  And while that may not be in the exact way that we want, it will be a better way than we could dream.  And I believe that He will provide for us in all aspects of our life…physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  All that I can do (and need to do) right now is seek Him and wait patiently upon Him.

There is a great post on this topic over at Deirdre’s blog.

I made you some brownies!  I will bring them to you!  They are hot and fresh and smell wonderful!  Would you like some?

I should probably tell you that I put just a small teeny tiny spoonful of dog poo in them.  Don’t worry, the dog poo was fresh!

What you don’t want any now?  How come?  The brownies are MOSTLY good!

You won’t eat something that is just MOSTLY good?  Why not?

Unfortunately mostly good is good enough for many Christians.  We listen to music that is “mostly good” and ignore the references to pre-marital sex, foul language or the fact that the music was written by a guy who openly expresses his hatred for all things Christian.  We watch TV shows that are “mostly good” and ignore the fact that its characters are taking God’s name in vain, having extramarital affairs and ridiculing the neighborhood Christian.  We read books that are “mostly good” and ignore the references to the new age/witchcraft.

We have become content with “good enough.”  Well, guess what?  Good Enough is not good enough!  We can do so much better!

We are blessed by a salvation that is not based on works.  But that doesn’t mean that we should not do good works!  That doesn’t mean that we can wallow in our former filth!  We are called to be Christ-like and something tells me that Christ wouldn’t be doing half of the things that we do that are “mostly good”.  And I am pretty sure that He would be doing a whole lot more that “good enough”.  He is the standard by which we are to live our lives.  “Mostly Good” and “Good enough” aren’t!

Hubby is stressed and I don’t know how to help him.  He has been unemployed for three months.  Financially we are doing OK and will be OK even if he is unemployed for the next six to twelve months.  But mentally, this is really getting to him.  I keep reminding him that God is in control and that him being able to be home is a blessing because he is able to take care of LSS.  Seriously, if he were not able to be at home with her, I have no idea what we would do!  This is a huge blessing and I think that God planned it to be just like this!  In fact, I KNOW that God planned it to be just like this.

He is also feeling those “Oh-My-Gosh-I-am-stuck-all-day-in-the-house-with-a-five-year-old” feelings that every stay-at-home parent feels at one time or another.  But since we are limited in how we can raise her (since she is still not technically ours), he is at a loss for how to correct and mold her behavior.  There are things that we would do a bit differently if she was officially ours.  He is also at a loss because there aren’t very many resources for people in a situation like ours.  Since LSS is not a ward of the state and is not a “foster child” in the legal sense of the word, we are very limited.  We can’t get her the counselling that she desperately needs.  We can’t reassure her that she won’t have to move around from place to place again.  (She has been talking about that a lot lately.)  So we are stuck in a sort of limbo and Hubby bears most of the weight of it because he is with her most of the time.

He is a wonderful and amazing man.  His unemployement at this point is something that I am actually taking comfort in because I know that LSS is safe with him and that he can see to her needs.  But I know that he is stressed and I don’t know how to make it better.  And that really SUCKS!  I am a “fixer”.  I want to fix this for him, but I can’t.

But I know Someone who can.  So I will intercede with God on Hubby’s behalf and pray that God helps him through this time of uncertainty.  And I will do my best to let him know that he is the best Hubby in the whole wide world!

LSS’s mom had a baby a month ago.

My step-sister, just had her fourth (all under the ages of five) and her husband has been cheating on her for years.

G. got married three years after me and is having her first baby in a week.

C. is unmarried and pregnant.  The father has abandoned them.  She never wanted children, but God has changed her heart and she is beginning to get excited.

L. got married six months before me and will have her second baby in November.

My co-worker, J. is due with her fifth (unplanned and not completely wanted)  in December.

H & B will have their third (all under the age of three) in January.

Another co-worker, A is having her second in February.  (She literally only tried once to get pregnant with this one!)

My other step-sister will have her second in March.

K & E were just surprised with a very unexpected positive pregnancy test.  They didn’t want any more children.

S. got married three years ago and will have her second baby in April.

All these babies around me, none of them are mine, but I believe that God has placed them in my life for a reason.  Some of these women need to be shown God’s love.  Some need an extra hand with dealing with the new addition.  Some will become adorable new fixtures in my extended family.  Some are our best friend’s little ones.  All of them I will hold and shower love upon.  Never will I regret their existence.  But each time that I hold one, I will wish that he/she was mine.