It is no secret that I have been feeling very much like a valley dweller lately.  I have been praying for something good to happen in my life and for God to open my eyes to the good that He is doing.

I am seeing the good!

Because of the step-family issues, my mom and I are closer than we have been in a while.

Hubby has been laid off for over 6 months, but because of that, he has been able to take care of LSS.

Today, a friend told me that she is closer to God because of my example in her life.

Yesterday, LSS found out that her mother is in jail.  We talked about it for a little while, then she crawled into my lap, wrapped her little arms around my neck, pressed her face against mine and said, “I am so glad that you found me.”

God is doing good things.  There are blessings in the valley.  Please God, help me to see each and every good thing that you are doing in my life.

Also, sweet Deirdre, over at stream of continuousness, told me to go to Beth Moore’s blog and watch her video message.  WOW!!  What a timely message.

Hebrews 6:10-12 (New International Version)

¹⁰God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them. ¹¹We want each of you to show this same diligence to the very end, in order to make your hope sure. ¹²We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.

James 1:2-4 (New International Version)

²Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. ⁴Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

NOTE TO SELF:  Keep working!  Keep pressing through these times of trail.

This has been a disappointing week.  Hubby had an interview two weeks ago.  It was his first in the past six months since his lay-off.  He has tried calling to follow-up and hasn’t gotten any word back.  It is pretty much safe to assume that they went in a different direction.

I have been feeling weird for a week or two.  Kind of like I was going to come down with a cold or the flu.  My friend reminded me that it has been at least five weeks since I had a “real” period.  So on Tuesday, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I waited the two minutes and looked…nothing.  I looked a couple minutes later and there was a very very faint blue line!  I knew that it wasn’t conclusive, so I decided to wait and take one in a couple days.  Try as I may, I could not help but get my hopes up a little as I thought all day on Wednesday about the possibility of being pregnant.  I took another test on Thursday and it was definitely negative.  I took a third one just to be sure and it too was negative.  CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.  I let myself hope and get just a little excited.  I really should have known better.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I still have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control and I trust Him.  It is kind of a strange feeling to be sad, yet still be OK with being sad.  Does that make any sense?  I know God is in control, so I am accepting of not being pregnant.  But the longing to have a baby is still there, so I am also sad.  Oh The Emotions of Infertility.

I have been listening to Nichole Nordeman a lot on my iPod.  There have been two songs that I have played over and over and over.  I thought that I would share some snippets of the lyrics.

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

___________________________________

I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am.  Yes, I Am

___________________________________

I cry through both of them each time.  In fact, many of my co-workers have paused at my desk to ask if I was OK, as I sat and tried to hide my tears and red eyes.  But I cry not just because of my sadness, but also because I am so moved to know that God is still with me!  He is my Creator, my Maker, my Life Sustainer, my Comforter, my Healer, my Redeemer.  I am in awe of who He is!  This may not be “Baby Time”, but it indeed is His time!  I am finding my way deeper into His arms with each disappointment.  I am finding my strength in Him during this time in the valley.  I am crawling through this valley.  My knees are worn and bloody.  But my heart is hopeful and I am thankful for this time in the valley to rely upon Him.  Yes, I long for a mountaintop experience; however He has not brought me through this valley yet.  But once He does, I plan on standing on the top of that mountain with my arms stretched toward Him and bask in the rays of His blessing!

I was sitting in yet another meeting with the auditors and we began discussing WIP.  WIP, otherwise known as work-in-process, is partially finished goods/parts that are no longer considered raw-materials, but are not yet considered to be finished goods.  When the auditors view WIP, they see it at a lower value than finished goods.  But when the General Manager of the company sees it, he sees what he has created and even though it is not quite perfected, he knows the value that it will soon bring.

That got me thinking that I am a work-in-process.  When people see me, they see semi-finished goods, that aren’t of much value.  But when God sees me, He sees me as what He has planned me to be and what He knows I will become.  God sees me as His child.

Galatians 4:7 says “So you are no longer a slave, but a son; and since you are a son, God has made you also an heir.”

So God sees me as His child.  That is an exciting thought!  But I have to admit…I struggle to see myself as anything more that very, very raw material.  Although I know that I am a work-in-process, I truly don’t see much progress within the process.

Romans 8:12-17 says “Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.”

As children of God, we are not to be slaves to sin or to fear.  Yet I struggle daily not to be a slave to both!  And I seem to daily lose the battle.  I despise my sin nature and hate my fleshly qualities, yet I repeatedly let them get the best of me.  Just as Paul said in Romans 8:

“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” (v15)

“I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.” (v18-19)

“When I want to do good, evil is right there with me.” (v21)  (You have heard of Murphy’s Law?  I call this Paul’s Law.)

“What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?” (v24)

Oh, Paul!  How I feel your pain!

Words have crept into my vocabulary that I would rather not be there.  Lousy attitudes appear at the most inopportune times.  Anger seems to well up inside of me until I can barely contain myself…and sometimes I chose to not even bother trying to contain myself.  Oh Wretched Woman that I am!!!

Indeed, I am a work-in-process.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says “Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold, all things are become new!”

As I said in my very first post, becoming new is a process…a continuous thing…a journey.  Oftentimes it is a walk comprised of a few steps forward followed by a few steps backward.  Occasionally it is a walk comprised of valley dwelling and mountain climbing.  But always is it a journey worthy of completion!

According to The American Standard Dictionary, PR or Public Relations is: “The art or science of establishing and promoting a favorable relationship with the public”

Wikipedia says that Public Relations is “the practice of managing the flow of information between an organization and its publics.”

Many of today’s “Relevant” churches believe that it is up to them to be God’s PR representative.  In fact, church marketing is a booming business.  There are businesses devoted solely to creating websites for churches, blogs dedicated to telling about the best church marketing techniques, and even marketing consultants whose purpose is creating influence for the local church.

There are state-of-the-art mega churches that have the latest technology reaching out to the masses, yet 60% or more of their attendees do not believe that Jesus is the only way to Heaven.

According to www.cia.gov, 78.5% of Americans consider themselves to be “Christian”, yet according to a Pew poll, 70% of Americans believe that there are many ways to get to Heaven.

Obviously this “church marketing” phenomenon is not succeeding in bringing people to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ.

By the world’s standards, these relevant churches are doing everything right.  They are leveraging current technology and culture.  They go out of their way to be “seeker sensitive”.  They make sure that they avoid controversial topics like politics, marriage and sin.  Numerically, the churches that use the previous techniques are succeeding.  Spiritually, they are failing appallingly.  Why would that be?

Perhaps it is because Christianity is not a product, it is a lifestyle.  Evangelism is not marketing, it is the natural expression of the joy of our salvation.  And Jesus is not a brand, He is our Redeemer.

Jesus was the only PR Rep that God ever will need and the Bible is God’s press release.

I made you some brownies!  I will bring them to you!  They are hot and fresh and smell wonderful!  Would you like some?

I should probably tell you that I put just a small teeny tiny spoonful of dog poo in them.  Don’t worry, the dog poo was fresh!

What you don’t want any now?  How come?  The brownies are MOSTLY good!

You won’t eat something that is just MOSTLY good?  Why not?

Unfortunately mostly good is good enough for many Christians.  We listen to music that is “mostly good” and ignore the references to pre-marital sex, foul language or the fact that the music was written by a guy who openly expresses his hatred for all things Christian.  We watch TV shows that are “mostly good” and ignore the fact that its characters are taking God’s name in vain, having extramarital affairs and ridiculing the neighborhood Christian.  We read books that are “mostly good” and ignore the references to the new age/witchcraft.

We have become content with “good enough.”  Well, guess what?  Good Enough is not good enough!  We can do so much better!

We are blessed by a salvation that is not based on works.  But that doesn’t mean that we should not do good works!  That doesn’t mean that we can wallow in our former filth!  We are called to be Christ-like and something tells me that Christ wouldn’t be doing half of the things that we do that are “mostly good”.  And I am pretty sure that He would be doing a whole lot more that “good enough”.  He is the standard by which we are to live our lives.  “Mostly Good” and “Good enough” aren’t!

I have a friend who has worked at a donut shop for almost 20 years.  She basically eats, breathes and sleeps donuts.  Remember the old Dunkin Donuts commercial “Time to Make the Donuts?”  You know, the one where the guy wakes up when the rest of us are going to bed and heads to work chanting, “It’s time to make the donuts.”  Well, that is my friend.  She works at a bakery, makes their donuts, then stands at the counter and sells the donuts she made.

A few weeks ago, I asked her if she wanted to go out for breakfast.  And then without thinking I said, “Or we can grab coffee and a donut and then go shopping.”  She grimaced and adamantly shook her head back and forth.

Boy, did I feel silly!  I just offered her something that she has day-in and day-out!  We ended up going to a nice little breakfast nook where she proceeded to get almost every non-donut item on the menu!

That whole experience got me thinking…and here is what I came up with:  The churches that are focusing on “leveraging culture” and being “relevant” are doing exactly what I did to my friend.  They are offering donuts to the donut lady.  They are offering the world to the world.   An unbeliever who is searching for something more won’t want “more of the same”.  We aren’t going to reach a donut-maker by offering them donuts.  We aren’t going to reach the Starbucks coffee drinker by offering them Sunday morning coffee.  We aren’t going to reach the world by offering them the world.  We will only reach them through the Holy Spirit working in their hearts!  We will only reach them with Christ’s love.  And Christ’s love never has to be watered down with Starbucks coffee, jazzed up with a little U2, or doctored up with a techno-colored digitally produced micro-commercial.

What this world needs is for us to stop hiding behind our relevance.
Blending in so well that people can’t see the difference.
It’s the difference that sets the world free.

(What the World Needs, by Casting Crowns)

This morning, I read something on a friend’s blog that deeply troubled me.  It was about our previous church and their obsession with the world and its culture.  This church, in its attempt to be “relevant”, adheres itself to the very things that Christians are to shun.  It does this in a very dangerous and insidious way.  The pastor of this church takes things from the world that sound “almost” right and merges them with scripture.  He preaches sermons based on TV shows that praise sin.  He titles his sermons on songs by musicians who are known for their new age and/or anti-Christian practices.

Why is this a problem?  I mean, after all, some of the lyrics in the songs are good.  And what is wrong with pointing to a TV show in a “what not to do” type of sermon?

2 Corinthians 6:14-18 says

^“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?  What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?  What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.”
“Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord.
Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.”
“I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”

When we bring the sin-filled products of non-Christian musicians, actors, writers, etc into our churches we are yoking ourselves with unbelievers.  We hare saying to unbelievers, “Hey!  We are just like you.  We listen to the garbage that the world offers.  We fill our minds with songs about pre-marital sex, transcendental meditation, and all sorts of other filth!  We watch shows that glorify people who have extramarital affairs.  And we just can’t get enough of foul language!  And not only do we listen to it, we preach about it and make it the focal point of our services.  We are just like you!”

“We are just like you.”  That tells unbelievers that we have nothing to offer them.  We are not different than they are.  We spend our days and nights reveling in the same sinful thoughts and activities as they do!  And we don’t even try to be any different.  We just want them to know that we are soooo uber-cool!

I am sickened!  I am disgusted!  I am angry!  Pastors like this are leading people astray and they will have to answer to God for that!

What we need to be saying is “We WERE just like you.  We are no longer who we used to be.  We ARE new creations!  Let us show you what God’s love has done for us.  We are no longer the same, but we understand you because we WERE just like you!”

Mark 5:25-34 “And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.” Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”

“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered, “and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ “

But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

I think that maybe this woman, like me, had PCOS.  I have read this passage of scripture over and over, praying that God would heal me just as he healed her.  Those weeks (and months) when I think that the bleeding is never going to stop, I cry out to him and wonder why He allows me to have this awful problem the prevent me from having a baby when all that I have ever wanted was to be a mommy.

James 5:13-16 says “Is any one of you in trouble? He should pray. Is anyone happy? Let him sing songs of praise. Is any one of you sick? He should call the elders of the church to pray over him and anoint him with oil in the name of the Lord. And the prayer offered in faith will make the sick person well; the Lord will raise him up. If he has sinned, he will be forgiven. Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”

I have prayed for healing.  I have been prayed over for healing.  I have been healed from other things…including a shattered wrist and hand that doctors said would require me to wear a brace for the rest of my life because it would never heal properly.  But God has not healed me of PCOS and has not allowed me to have a baby.

I have tried bargaining with God.  “Um God…if I promise to  _________ (fill in the blank), would you heal me?” And then “OK God, you don’t have to heal me, just let me have a baby.”  Sure I know that you can’t barter with God, but sometimes I can’t help but think if I prayed harder, more often, louder, or less selfishly perhaps I would get my heart’s cry.

Psalm 10:17 says “You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry.”

I John 5:14 “This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.”

According to HIS will!  As my heart becomes more like His heart, I will know His will and pray accordingly.  Right now, all that I know is that I want to be healed.  I want to have a baby.  I will be honest and say that I don’t know why it wouldn’t be in God’s will for me to be healed and have a baby.  And I will be painfully honest and admit that I know that I do NOT know God’s will for my life.  And not only do I not know it, I don’t understand the things that He is currently doing!

Psalm 37:3-4 says “Trust in the LORD and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.”

So here is what I know.  I know that God CAN heal.  I know that God’s WILL will be done.  I know that God desires my heart to be focused on HIM.

No Other, by David Ruis

…

In My Arms, by Plumb, is a lullaby written to her child.  In it she sings of her desire to protect her child from the storms of life and how she will always love her child, no matter what.

It says:
Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

From the first time I heard this song, I loved it!  There was something so soothing, so reassuring about it.  But at the same time, it made me sad.  It was only recently that I have been able to figure out why.

I never had that kind of protection when I was growing up.  I was never defended or sheltered from life’s storms.

My young eyes saw far more than they ever should have.  They saw violent fighting between the two people who should have been sheltering me.  They saw clothes hanging in my mother’s closet shredded by the knife of one of her spurned lovers.  They saw the shattered remains of our family photos that were destroyed during a particularly bad fight.

My ears heard my mother’s threats to leave my father.  They heard aggressive accusations. They heard my father’s threats of suicide.

My hands were the hands that stopped my father from killing himself time and time again.  My hands were the hands that comforted those who were supposed to comfort me.

It was my words that attempted to distill the bullies that threatened me both at home and at school when my parents told me to “turn the other cheek”.  It was my words that would cry out asking my parents to defend me against the hurtful words that were said about me and the hurtful acts that were done against me.

My world was filled with violators.  And I longed to be defended.  I longed to be protected.  But I never was.

That little girl grew up to believe that it was her duty to “take” whatever was “given” to her.  So she accepted the bullies (both young and old, verbal and physical).  She listened to the lies.  She believed the lies.  She never defended herself because she just wasn’t worthy.  When she was tossed aside by family, friends, and lovers, she sat on the door stoops of their hearts and begged for their scraps until they would allow her back in for more abuse.  She continued to be devoted to the very ones who treated her as trash.

She longed for someone to come to her defense.  She still longs for someone to protect her from the wrongs of the past.  She has spent her adult life looking for her defender, her protector.

But there is no earthly man or woman who can protect her from the ghosts of the past.  There is no one who can defend her from the phantoms that are now only in her vivid memories and dreams.

But there is One who longs to take that girl into His arms and hold her and protector and love on her and defend her and NEVER EVER EVER LET HER GO!  And He will fight for her when no one else does.

Psalm 35:22-24 (NIV) “O LORD, you have seen this; be not silent.  Do not be far from me, O Lord.  Awake, and rise to my defense! Contend for me, my God and Lord.”

Psalm 68:4-6 (NIV)  “Sing to God, sing praise to His name, extol Him who rides on the clouds —His name is the LORD — and rejoice before Him.  A Father to the fatherless, a Defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.  God sets the lonely in families; He leads forth the prisoners with singing”

Psalm 10:17-18 (NIV) “You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; You encourage them, and You listen to their cry, defending the fatherless and the oppressed, in order that man, who is of the earth, may terrify no more.”

Psalm 28:6-7 (NIV) “Praise be to the LORD, for He has heard my cry for mercy.  The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in Him, and I am helped.  My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to Him in song”

The Thirst of the Empty Soul

Those who do not believe in God, still find themselves thirsting for something to fulfill them spiritually.  But because they are looking in the wrong directions, they continually find themselves empty.  When soul thirst goes unquenched day after day, year after year, the thirst becomes unrecognizable for what it is.  It becomes a need for something…anything…to take away the painful desire for something more.  The empty soul seeks desperately to be satisfied.  It seeks fulfillment through relationships, work, sex, money, entertainment, drugs, and even religion.  But it fails to actually seek God.

Romans 3:10-11 As it is written: “There is no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.

We all know of the “bad” people who have empty souls.  The drug-users, the murders, the cheaters.  The people who seek fulfillment in ways that are very contrary to the ways of God.

But there are also many “good” people who have empty souls.  These people are looking for fulfillment, but they are not looking for truth.  They are philanthropists, often putting many Christians to shame as they go about doing good works to save starving children, dying trees, and endangered animals.  They are the ritualistic religious who see to fulfill the emptiness by following the rules of a religion, but failing to seek the true relational God.  They are the people who are hoping that their best will be enough to get them an “in” with God.  They are also the hardest to reach for Christ.

It is easy to convince the “bad” people that they need God.  But it is much harder to show the philanthropist, the ritualistic religious and the generally “good” people to see their need.  They no longer know that they are thirsting.  They no longer see the thirst for what it is.  They are too busy trying to be “good enough”, but knowing deep down that their “good enough” never is.

People suffering from a rare disease called Adipsia never know that they are thirsty even in the presence of body water depletion or salt excess.  Adipsia leads to considerable difficulty in the management of water balance.  The only treatment option for Adipsia is behavioral therapy to teach people to remember to drink.  Basically they must be taught to know when their body is thirsty.

People who are unable to see their spiritual thirst are very much like this.  They never know that they are thirsty even in the presence of intense spiritual depletion.  This “Spiritual Adipsia”, if you will, leads them to the inability to have any spiritual balance or satisfaction in their lives.  They must be taught to know that their soul is thirsty.  They must be shown what it takes to fill their empty souls.

Romans 10:14-15 says “How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written, ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!’”

Matthew 28:19-20 “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”