This has been a disappointing week.  Hubby had an interview two weeks ago.  It was his first in the past six months since his lay-off.  He has tried calling to follow-up and hasn’t gotten any word back.  It is pretty much safe to assume that they went in a different direction.

I have been feeling weird for a week or two.  Kind of like I was going to come down with a cold or the flu.  My friend reminded me that it has been at least five weeks since I had a “real” period.  So on Tuesday, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I waited the two minutes and looked…nothing.  I looked a couple minutes later and there was a very very faint blue line!  I knew that it wasn’t conclusive, so I decided to wait and take one in a couple days.  Try as I may, I could not help but get my hopes up a little as I thought all day on Wednesday about the possibility of being pregnant.  I took another test on Thursday and it was definitely negative.  I took a third one just to be sure and it too was negative.  CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.  I let myself hope and get just a little excited.  I really should have known better.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I still have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control and I trust Him.  It is kind of a strange feeling to be sad, yet still be OK with being sad.  Does that make any sense?  I know God is in control, so I am accepting of not being pregnant.  But the longing to have a baby is still there, so I am also sad.  Oh The Emotions of Infertility.

I have been listening to Nichole Nordeman a lot on my iPod.  There have been two songs that I have played over and over and over.  I thought that I would share some snippets of the lyrics.

Gratitude

Send some rain, would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain

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I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am.  Yes, I Am

___________________________________

I cry through both of them each time.  In fact, many of my co-workers have paused at my desk to ask if I was OK, as I sat and tried to hide my tears and red eyes.  But I cry not just because of my sadness, but also because I am so moved to know that God is still with me!  He is my Creator, my Maker, my Life Sustainer, my Comforter, my Healer, my Redeemer.  I am in awe of who He is!  This may not be “Baby Time”, but it indeed is His time!  I am finding my way deeper into His arms with each disappointment.  I am finding my strength in Him during this time in the valley.  I am crawling through this valley.  My knees are worn and bloody.  But my heart is hopeful and I am thankful for this time in the valley to rely upon Him.  Yes, I long for a mountaintop experience; however He has not brought me through this valley yet.  But once He does, I plan on standing on the top of that mountain with my arms stretched toward Him and bask in the rays of His blessing!

Life has been so crazy, hectic the past few weeks.  LSS is now back with her mother.  We will get her on some weekends.  We have a lot of concerns about this new arrangement.  LSS has said that her mother is doing drugs again, but at this point, there is no one willing to investigate the situation.  I guess they want more conclusive proof than the word of a five-year-old.  Perhaps they want her mother to be arrested for dealing again or more obvious signs of neglect/abuse, like bruises or broken bones, before they will be willing to do anything.  It is frustrating.  But all that we can do is pray.

Hubby still has not found a job.  I am OK with this and we are OK financially for now.  But the stress of being jobless is really getting to Hubby.  He is stressed and depressed and it shows.

My mantra has been Psalms 34:10 “The lions may grow weak and hungry, but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.”

God is in control and He has promised to provide for us.  And while that may not be in the exact way that we want, it will be a better way than we could dream.  And I believe that He will provide for us in all aspects of our life…physically, spiritually, mentally, and emotionally.  All that I can do (and need to do) right now is seek Him and wait patiently upon Him.

Hubby is stressed and I don’t know how to help him.  He has been unemployed for three months.  Financially we are doing OK and will be OK even if he is unemployed for the next six to twelve months.  But mentally, this is really getting to him.  I keep reminding him that God is in control and that him being able to be home is a blessing because he is able to take care of LSS.  Seriously, if he were not able to be at home with her, I have no idea what we would do!  This is a huge blessing and I think that God planned it to be just like this!  In fact, I KNOW that God planned it to be just like this.

He is also feeling those “Oh-My-Gosh-I-am-stuck-all-day-in-the-house-with-a-five-year-old” feelings that every stay-at-home parent feels at one time or another.  But since we are limited in how we can raise her (since she is still not technically ours), he is at a loss for how to correct and mold her behavior.  There are things that we would do a bit differently if she was officially ours.  He is also at a loss because there aren’t very many resources for people in a situation like ours.  Since LSS is not a ward of the state and is not a “foster child” in the legal sense of the word, we are very limited.  We can’t get her the counselling that she desperately needs.  We can’t reassure her that she won’t have to move around from place to place again.  (She has been talking about that a lot lately.)  So we are stuck in a sort of limbo and Hubby bears most of the weight of it because he is with her most of the time.

He is a wonderful and amazing man.  His unemployement at this point is something that I am actually taking comfort in because I know that LSS is safe with him and that he can see to her needs.  But I know that he is stressed and I don’t know how to make it better.  And that really SUCKS!  I am a “fixer”.  I want to fix this for him, but I can’t.

But I know Someone who can.  So I will intercede with God on Hubby’s behalf and pray that God helps him through this time of uncertainty.  And I will do my best to let him know that he is the best Hubby in the whole wide world!

I haven’t been feeling very bloggy lately.  Just too stressed even for words.  So many things are up in the air right now.  Hubby’s job situation.  Our church situation.  Our childlessness.  Family stuff.  Health stuff.  Just everything.  And no real answers for anything, but that is OK because at least for the moment, I have stopped questioning.  It is all out of my control.  And I suppose that is just how God wants it to be.

OK…So this hasn’t been THE worst week ever; however it has been a very very bad week…probably one of my worst.

Thursday – Began feeling quite sick

Friday – Sicker.  Went to doctor’s and was diagnosed with a sinus infection, the beginnings of an ear infection and bronchitis.

Saturday, Sunday – Slept basically all day

Monday – Worked from home…in bed

Tuesday – Still feeling icky, but needing to work.  On the way to work, I get a call from a friend who wants to confess that our entire relationship has been built on lie after lie…big humongous lies!  Then I get to work, and about a hour later I get a call from Hubby telling me that he has been laid off.

Really really bad week.