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Why Not Us?

December 10, 2008

I want a baby. I have wanted one for as long as I can remember. When I was two, I asked my mommy when I could have a “baby in my tummy”. She told me that when I grew up and married a man who loved Jesus, then I could have a baby.

Well, I am grown up and have married a man who loves Jesus, but I still don’t have a baby.

When I was eighteen, I started to have “girl problems” that resulted in me having to have numerous surgeries. After each surgery, the first thing that I asked the doctors was, “Can I have a baby?” And their answer was always, “I think so, but can’t guarantee anything.”

I had another surgery two years ago. I didn’t ask them that time. Not because I no longer want a baby, but because I feared the answer. When I met with the doctor a few weeks later, she started me on a vigorous regime of meds in the hope that I would conceive. I didn’t. But I did get violently ill from the meds every day for six months. I couldn’t take it anymore so I stopped taking the meds.

I still have no baby. I cry out to God daily asking for a child. But I remain childless.

Sometimes at my weakest, I wonder if maybe God won’t let me have a baby because I won’t be a good enough mom.

I get angry when I hear of children that are abused and babies that are aborted. My heart aches when my friends and family have babies. It is not that I don’t want them to have babies. It is because I can’t help but think, “Why not us?”

3 Comments leave one →
  1. christapie permalink
    December 10, 2008 2:25 pm

    If you haven’t already been, go to It’s a tremendous source of information and support for women with PCOS. I haven’t been there in a while but my name there is CysterChrista. You might still be able to read my story there.

    You’ve been under doctors’ care for your ailment, and that’s good, but do make sure you are your own best advocate. Learn about your condition. Find out what hormones are out of whack and what needs to be done to put them back into balance. Often all it takes is a change of diet, as insulin resistance is the most common cause of PCOS.

    Try to think of it as a test and not a punishment. I can’t believe that it works that way. If that’s the case, too many good people are being punished.

  2. screamofcontinuousness permalink
    December 10, 2008 2:37 pm

    Thank you for visiting my blog. I responded to your comment there.

    Please know that God isn’t punishing you for a sin or anything like that. He wants you to trust Him. He has something wonderful for you. Beyond what you could plan or hope for.

  3. Snickelfritz permalink
    December 10, 2008 3:15 pm

    I’m praying for you and your family.

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