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Prayer and Intimacy

January 21, 2009

Almost every blog that I have read today has mentioned prayer. Blogs about praying for the president and his family , praying for guidance and God’s will in life, praying for a miracle baby(ies), a thank you for the prayers for a sick, but adorable baby ,  a blog on our call to prayer and so many more.  Prayer and the topic of Prayer is in the air today.

Most of these bloggers do not know that I lurk almost daily at their site. Occasionally I gather up enough courage to comment. But most of the time, I just secretly admire them from afar.

Today I envy them a bit. I envy their ability to talk and connect with God. I know that I can talk to God. I know that He listens. But lately I seem to be having a hard time connecting with God.

My morning ritual involves a forty-five minute drive to work. I usually use that time to talk to God. But for the past few weeks I have felt more and more like I am just talking to myself. I am feeling distant from Him. My drives to work are lonely now.

Today when some of my Christian co-workers gather for the weekly prayer group, I will probably skip once again. Why? Because I feel fake. I just can’t seem to establish the intimacy that I long for…that I once had.

I know that part of it is because I have not been praying as much as I used to. Before the situation that drove us from our previous church ministry, the teens in our youth group were always seeking me out to pray with them. My husband and I would receive calls at all hours of the night from people needing prayer. My husband and I would daily seek God’s guidance for our ministry and intercede for those trusted into our care. Now it seems like we struggle just to say a quick prayer together each morning.

My head knows that God is here even when I don’t feel Him.  But my heart just feels lonely for Him and unsure about how to get Him back.  My head knows that in order to feel Him I need to keep talking to Him and remain open to Him.  But my enemy whispers into my ear that I am not worthy of intimacy with God.  My head knows that He has never left me and will never forsake me.  But my pride tells me to let Him come get me just in case He rejects me if I go to Him.

And so the battle rages inside me.  And my struggles become greater as I attempt to carry them on my own.  So I will listen to BarlowGirl’s Never Alone over and over and realize that He is here.  And today I will make a renewed effort…an effort to find that intimacy…to find my way back into my God bubble.

Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

*****UPDATE***** Today the weekly e-mail reminder about the prayer group said the following:  “When we gather in Jesus’ name we make Him the Lord of our meeting; and with whatever imperfections we come and pray, we can be confident in His promise that He is present, and that He knows our hearts and our needs, and He delights to speak with us and make Himself known.”

Needless to say…I went to the pray group today.  Nothing monumental happened, but it is a start.

One Comment leave one →
  1. screamofcontinuousness permalink
    January 22, 2009 1:07 pm

    nothing We can DO will ever make us worthy of God. Just rest in the sure and certain knowledge that HE LOVES YOU. You don’t have to feel a certain feeling to know that He Loves You. Just look at all He did for you on the cross.

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