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Not Ruled By Infertility

February 18, 2009

Infertility is a really common thing.  One in seven couples experience it.  The blogs about it are numerous.  Many of them are a seemingly unending list of failed treatment attempts.  Many of them have an unhealthy obsession with getting pregnant.  But I can understand that.  When you want a baby more than anything else, that is all that you can focus on.  Thoughts of your infertility invade every aspect of your life.

I have wanted a baby for as long as I can remember.  I have been married for five years.  During these five years we have never used contraception.  But we have no baby.

I have PCOS and Endometriosis.  I have scar tissue on my organs from a botched appendectomy.  I have had numerous surgeries to help with the endo and the scar tissue.  Two years ago, I started taking metformin for the PCOS.  For the six months that I was on it, I never had a normal period and never ovulated.  What I did do was throw up 4-6 times a day.  My body did not like the metformin.  When I realized the havoc that the metformin was having in me, I stopped taking it.  I still don’t feel “back to normal”.  Since stopping the metformin, I have not been back to the OBGYN…not even for my annual you-know-whats.  I know. I know…that is a bad thing and I should go.  But I am broken and I don’t think that the doctor can fix me.  And I don’t want to jump through all the hoops (and expenses) of infertility treatments just to have them fail.  I have had other infertile women tell me that I just don’t want a baby as much as they do or I would do all the things that they are doing.

HOW DARE THEY?

How dare they say that because I am choosing to do what is right for me and my husband that I don’t want a baby bad enough?  How dare they say that because I refuse to blog about my mucus that I don’t truly understand what they are going through?  How dare they imply that because I refuse to spend $100,000 on FAILED fertility treatments that I am not as worthy as them to have a baby?

Maybe I am the responsible one here!  Maybe they are the ones who have chosen to let infertility defeat them.  Maybe I am the one who is choosing to not let infertility ruin my life.

Yes…I want a baby.  When I see a baby, all I can do is think about how wonderful it would be to hold my own baby in my arms.  My sleep is filled with dreams of babies.

I am not a mother right now.  But I am a wife.  A daughter.  A friend.  An employee.  Who I am doesn’t stop just because I’m not a mother.

My friends have babies and I rejoice for them.  I allow myself a moment to grieve for myself, but I don’t punish my friends for my infertility by avoiding them and their babies.  Nor do I punish myself by avoiding places like church or even shopping just because I will see babies and be reminded that I don’t have one.

Yes.  I want a baby.  But more than that I want to be a great wife to my husband and a woman who will make God proud.  Why should my husband and my relationship with God suffer because of something that I cannot even control?

I am not trying to seem harsh or calloused about this.  I really do understand the ache.  I have asked myself “Why not us?” more times than I can count.  But I refuse to put my life on hold for something that may not ever happen.  I will let myself mourn and I may have days when the pain is worse than others  But my infertility is not going to rule me.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. Snickelfritz permalink
    February 18, 2009 4:19 pm

    It’s rude for someone to tell you that you don’t want it as much as they do just because you’re not going through extreme and expensive measures. That’s like beating your head against a brick wall and telling someone ‘well you don’t want the wall knocked down as much as I do!’

    You have absolutely no guarantee that any of that will work and you’ll end up thousands of dollars the poorer in the process, not to mention the emotional toll it would take on you. Just because you’re not willing to do something that you think is irresponsible doesn’t mean that you’re somehow deficient. On the contrary, I’d say.

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