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March 22, 2009

The other night, I dreamed that X was back in jail.  And I was forced to visit him in jail. I didn’t want to. I hated being there. I don’t know why I had to be there. We were in a big room where all the inmates and their visitors were. (There wasn’t very much security at all.) There were metal folding chairs where people could sit and talk to each other. I sat down. X sat next to me. I got up and moved. He followed. I left the room, but was made to return by some unseen force. X was with some girl. She asked me why I didn’t want to sit by X. I responded by asking why I would want to.

She said, “You act like he is a bad person.”

I responded with, “He is.”

She angrily asked, “How could you say that?”

I said,”Oh, maybe because I do think of people who hold knives to my throat as being particularly good people.” And then I walked out!

That dream, while not a pleasant one by any stretch of the imagination, is an important one. I have never been able to say that X is a “bad person”. I always would make excuses for the abuse. I would always try to pretend that it wasn’t nearly as bad as it was. I could NEVER leave. Even when I finally left, I felt guilty.

But in my dream, for the first time ever, I was able to admit that he was bad and then was able to leave! I could leave! I could walk away and not be burdened by this person who has only brought me pain.  It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off me.

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