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October 9, 2009

This has been a disappointing week.  Hubby had an interview two weeks ago.  It was his first in the past six months since his lay-off.  He has tried calling to follow-up and hasn’t gotten any word back.  It is pretty much safe to assume that they went in a different direction.

I have been feeling weird for a week or two.  Kind of like I was going to come down with a cold or the flu.  My friend reminded me that it has been at least five weeks since I had a “real” period.  So on Tuesday, I decided to take a pregnancy test.  I waited the two minutes and looked…nothing.  I looked a couple minutes later and there was a very very faint blue line!  I knew that it wasn’t conclusive, so I decided to wait and take one in a couple days.  Try as I may, I could not help but get my hopes up a little as I thought all day on Wednesday about the possibility of being pregnant.  I took another test on Thursday and it was definitely negative.  I took a third one just to be sure and it too was negative.  CRUSHING DISAPPOINTMENT.  I let myself hope and get just a little excited.  I really should have known better.

I am sad.  I am disappointed.  But I still have a sense of peace because I know that God is in control and I trust Him.  It is kind of a strange feeling to be sad, yet still be OK with being sad.  Does that make any sense?  I know God is in control, so I am accepting of not being pregnant.  But the longing to have a baby is still there, so I am also sad.  Oh The Emotions of Infertility.

I have been listening to Nichole Nordeman a lot on my iPod.  There have been two songs that I have played over and over and over.  I thought that I would share some snippets of the lyrics.


Send some rain, would You send some rain?
Cause the earth is dry and needs to drink again
And the sun is high and we are sinking in the shade
Would You send a cloud, thunder long and loud?
Let the sky grow black and send some mercy down
Surely You can see that we are thirsty and afraid
But maybe not, not today
Maybe You’ll provide in other ways
And if that’s the case …

We’ll give thanks to You with gratitude
For lessons learned in how to thirst for You
How to bless the very sun that warms our face
If You never send us rain


I Am

The winds of change and circumstance blow in and all around us
So we find a foothold that’s familiar
And bless the moments that we feel You nearer

When life had begun, I was woven and spun
You let the angels dance around the throne
And who can say when, but they’ll dance again
When I am free and finally headed home
I will be weak, unable to speak
Still I will call You by name
Creator, Maker, Life Sustainer
Comforter, Healer, my Redeemer
Lord and King, Beginning and the End

I Am.  Yes, I Am


I cry through both of them each time.  In fact, many of my co-workers have paused at my desk to ask if I was OK, as I sat and tried to hide my tears and red eyes.  But I cry not just because of my sadness, but also because I am so moved to know that God is still with me!  He is my Creator, my Maker, my Life Sustainer, my Comforter, my Healer, my Redeemer.  I am in awe of who He is!  This may not be “Baby Time”, but it indeed is His time!  I am finding my way deeper into His arms with each disappointment.  I am finding my strength in Him during this time in the valley.  I am crawling through this valley.  My knees are worn and bloody.  But my heart is hopeful and I am thankful for this time in the valley to rely upon Him.  Yes, I long for a mountaintop experience; however He has not brought me through this valley yet.  But once He does, I plan on standing on the top of that mountain with my arms stretched toward Him and bask in the rays of His blessing!

2 Comments leave one →
  1. October 12, 2009 5:11 pm

    just keep looking up to Him dear girl. keep looking up.

  2. October 21, 2009 11:25 am

    I know God is doing something in us now. I have no idea what it is or which direction to go, but I know He’s doing something and will tell us when the time is right.

    But the waiting and not knowing! GRR!

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