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Who I Am in Myself

April 22, 2010

I don’t think that I understand who I am and the parts of me that I understand, I don’t really like.  Recently I told my mother that I “suck as a person.”  I don’t mean that there is nothing redeeming about me.  I know that I do have my good points.  But lately, I have seen my flaws sticking out like a huge blinking neon sign.  I have also realized that I have been trying to correct my flaws by myself…without God’s help.  And even though I thought I had handled situations better than I had in the past, the situations still became out of control and wound up hurting me anyway.

I suck as a person and cannot do anything without Christ!

That is hard for me to admit.  I like being competent.  I like being able to do things myself.  I hate relying on others.  But in order for me to “become new”, I have to allow God to do a new work in me.  And in order to do that, I have to be very honest with myself.  So in this post, I am going to examine who I am…the good and the bad.  I don’t know if I have ever been this honest with myself or anyone else in on sitting.  But here goes…

I like being competent.

I hate needing others.

I would rather be respected than liked.

I would rather be understood and hated than misunderstood and liked.

I love helping people who want to actually “do” something about their situation.

I have no time for people who complain, but don’t want to change their situation.

I take pride in my intelligence, but am extremely self-conscious about my appearance.

I don’t like dealing with people who “choose” to be stupid.

I like being right, so I research and think things through before I talk about them.

I like playing devil’s advocate and trying to get people to see things from a different perspective.

I like debating.

I hate being used and taken for granted.

I’m not patient.

I don’t like when people waste my time.

I over-analyze what people say to me.

I am very straight-forward.  If I have a problem with someone, I will tell them.

I am very blunt.

I hate conflict, but I will not run from it.  I tackle it head on and get it over with.   I would rather ten minutes of yelling than a week of silence.

I am an perfectionist.

I don’t always have to be in control; however I need to be able to respect the person who is in control.  If I cannot respect them, then I will attempt to usurp the control from them.

I believe that knowledge equals power and I will use my knowledge to “get a leg up” in situations where I feel threatened.

I don’t like to feel threatened, intimidated or stupid.

When I do feel threatened, intimidated or stupid, I attack by making the other person look or feel stupid.

I like to plan.

Spontaneity scares me.

I need to see the “big picture” and have all the details.

I don’t like to be manipulated.

I hate when people keep things from me.

I hate secrets and surprises.

I hate when I am right and no one believes me until it is too late.

I want to know the “whys” about everything.

I am overly critical of myself and others.

I am overly emotional.

I cry too easily.

I long to understand life and the people who live it…including myself.

And I am thankful that no one who knows me in real life, other than my husband, reads this blog!  Because it was too honest and way too vulnerable!   (Did I mention that I hate being vulnerable?)

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5 Comments leave one →
  1. Glen permalink
    April 22, 2010 10:14 am

    “I would rather be understood and hated than misunderstood and liked.”
    “I don’t always have to be in control; however I need to be able to respect the person who is in control. If I cannot respect them, then I will attempt to usurp the control from them.”

    That is me as well. Thank you for these enlightening descriptions.

  2. April 22, 2010 10:22 am

    Glen,

    I am glad that I am not the only one!! I have always hated when people accuse me of always needing to be in control. I don’t…as long as a capable person is. But I think that sometimes my standard of capable can be pretty high. Do you find it hard to get people to understand you and find yourself constantly battling misunderstandings? If so, how do you handle that? If not, how do you effectively communicate to people?

  3. April 23, 2010 8:02 am

    in a very quiet and loving voice I am going to suggest a book that just changed my life
    “so long insecurity” by Beth Moore.

    God changed everything.

  4. April 23, 2010 8:06 am

    D,

    You are sweet and wonderful and I will go order the book immediately from christianbook.com

    Thank you!!

  5. Glen permalink
    April 25, 2010 3:42 pm

    “Do you find it hard to get people to understand you and find yourself constantly battling misunderstandings? If so, how do you handle that? If not, how do you effectively communicate to people?”

    Great questions!

    I sometimes find it hard to get people to understand me yet I am not constantly battling misunderstandings because if someone does not listen to me, ask questions about my meaning, and believe that the meaning is true, then I assume they have a lack of depth and maturity or that I have obliviously insulted them and I do not deserve their understanding. I give up on them. I think that may be a lousy way of handling it because, well, what goes around comes around, doesn’t it? If I were to misunderstand someone, that person might give up on me. On the other hand, in consideration for the history of our relationship, the misunderstanding may be fairly and mutually held until we better know one another based on behaviour. I feel that listening requires patience, asking requires courage, and believing requires faith. I give my patience, courage, and faith for people with whom I am closest (my family and friends) because they are more important to me.

    When a compadre misunderstands me, I cannot let it go on because I will nag myself about it until I go crazy. If speech fails, I use writing. If writing fails, then I create drama. If drama fails, then I guess I would have to find a translator. More often than struggling for self expression I am struggling against other people’s lack of self expression. For example, this past month I felt certain tension between my roommate and I yet he seemed to have trouble speaking about it with me. I offered him to write on a whiteboard that I set up in our kitchen and, since then, he has written the dates that our cable, utilities, and rent are due. He expected my payments sooner than the end of the month and was timid about asking for those. I have no problem with paying sooner so the tension between us has dissolved. Misunderstanding can be coaxed toward understanding — agreement is a whole new story!

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