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Consume Me

May 17, 2010

Last Friday, I wrote a post and when I went to publish it, the whole thing disappeared.  I was disappointed and a bit angry, but as I began to recreate it, I felt checked in my spirit as if God was telling me not to post it.   I thought that it was a cute uplifting post, but I guess that it just wasn’t what I was supposed to be writing about that day.

I really struggle with this blog sometimes.  When I created it, I thought that it would give me the opportunity to be more honest with myself and a few anonymous readers.  And in many ways it has.  But in some ways, I have found myself not being completely honest.  Part of that is because often times I am just not honest with myself.  Another part of it is that I want people to like me, even strangers who I don’t even know.  I want people to stumble onto my blog and want to read about me.  But if people are going to read what I write, it needs to be because I am being genuine.  My most genuine posts may or may not be the ones that bring the most viewers, but they are the ones that are the most important.

Friday’s disappearing post was not genuine.  It was not heartfelt.  It was a cute little story that was about my childhood, but had nothing to do with what I am going through right now.  It was just words to fill up a blog.  It was not bad, but it was just words.  I am filled with words swirling around in my head, yet none of those were words that I chose to write down.  I chose to write a fluff-filled post because I didn’t want to be completely honest.

When I am completely honest, some people misunderstand.  When I wrote the post of Who I Am, I got emails from people who felt sorry for me because they thought that I was downing myself too much.   But I truly wasn’t.  I was being honest.  Perhaps some people view all the traits that I listed as negative.  I don’t.  I like many of those traits.  But I also realize that I need to have God shape me.  Some of those traits are God-given and need to now be God-shaped.  Others need to be weeded out to make room for the growth that God intends me to have.

God is trying to do something in my life right now.  I don’t know what it is.  But He wants more from me.  I have been content to be status-quo for too long.

Okay that isn’t entirely true.  I know exactly what God wants from me.  He wants ALL of me.  I have been holding back from Him.  Holding back because I like being in control.  Holding back because I know that He is calling me to do things that are way out of my comfort zone.  Holding back…(gulp…this is hard for me to admit)…because I do not trust Him.  Sure I trust Him to be my savior and keep me out of hell.  But I don’t trust that He has my best interest at heart while I am on this earth.  I know what the Bible promises.  I know all the “Christianeese” things to say to people about trusting God, but I have yet to completely trust Him.

My husband has been out of a job for thirteen months.  Do you see that?  13!  Over a year!  Over the past few months I have wanted to quit my job because it has been so stressful, yet I can’t because that is our only income…which makes my job even more stressful!  Our house needs thousands of dollars worth of repairs.  We no longer have running water in our shower and bathtub.  The water that comes out of the rest of the faucets in the house are tinted red because our water filtration system has kicked the bucket.  Our car had to have some pricey repairs before it would pass inspection.  LSS is in need of new clothes and I feel bad that we haven’t been able to buy her more toys.  Yet my husband is finally accepting the call that God placed on his life years ago and has begun Bible college.  We are 100% sure that is what God wants him to do.  We are 100% sure that he is not supposed to get a job in his previously chosen career path.  I am excited and scared at the same time.  And I KNOW that for God to truly use my husband and I, I have to FULLY trust Him.

I know that God will take care of us.  I just worry that it won’t be the way that I want Him to.  What a horrible thing to say!   But here is the bigger truth:  more than anything I want to be in God’s will.  It is impossible for me to be in God’s perfect will and not trust Him.  In order for me to trust Him, my will must be in complete alignment with His.  Complete. Alignment. With. His.  There is no compromise in this.

My life.  My will.  My all.  A complete sacrifice to Him who made me.

As I type this, I am listening to the same song play over and over.  It is “Father will You come” by Unhindered.  You can listen to it by clicking the words below which will bring you to a new page called Song of the Week.

There’s a love, forgetting my failures.
There’s a hope that’s setting me free.
There’s a light, defeating my darkness.
And there’s redemption calling, and causing all to sing

Father will You come and open up our eyes.
Fill us with Your love, renew us with Your life
Consume us with Your Majesty
Consume us with Your Majesty

There’s a peace that’s calming my waters.
There’s a joy that’s setting me free.
He’s the light defeating my darkness.
And there’s redemption calling, and causing all to sing

Father will You come and open up our eyes.
Fill us with Your love, renew us with Your life
Consume us with Your Majesty
Consume us with Your Majesty

Glory.  Honor. Power.
Belong to You.

That is my prayer!  Fill me with Your love.  Renew me with Your life.  Consume me, Jesus.  Consume with Your majesty.  With the awesomeness of your presence.  With Your peace.  Your love.  Your hope.  Consume me, Jesus until there is nothing left of me and all I am is found in You.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 17, 2010 9:56 am

    I think we all need to be more open to being utterly consumed by God.

    I recently heard someone say that all sin can be tied to unbelief. Usually the failure to believe that God really is good. I have been hanging onto the verse that says the God is light, in Him there is no darkness AT ALL.

    He is not just planning something good for your future, he has something good for you today. Believe Him. and Trust.

    praying for you (and thanking you for your your prayers for me as well)
    Deirdre

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