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Scared, but Willing

August 24, 2010

God seems to use incredible adversity and struggles to prepare us for His use.

Look at Moses, Joseph, David, and Paul, just to name a few.  Moses was almost killed as an infant, made a rash decision as a young adult, and then had to deal with a tyrannical leader.  Joseph endured being sold into slavery by his brothers and then being lied about by a lust-filled woman.  David had to fight a giant and then when he thought he had finally found a little peace, he was harassed by a jealous king who happened to be his boss.  Paul was blinded by an encounter with God

While I will never be as great as Moses, Joseph, David or Paul, I believe that God has allowed struggles in my life so that I can be better prepared for His use.  I am still unsure of exactly how He wants to use me, but I know that He has something planned.  I should be excited.  Instead, I am scared and hesitant.

It has been almost two years since Hubby stepped down from his youth pastor position at our previous church.  We had been hurt badly by the senior pastor.  Hubby said that he would never go back into the ministry.  I urged him to not make any decisions out of hurt, knowing that God had big plans for Hubby.  Our hurt was so deep at that point that I knew that we couldn’t clearly see what God wanted us to do in the future.  Very slowly, God worked in Hubby’s heart, showing him (though some very painful lessons) that God wants Hubby back in the ministry.

But now the tables have turned a bit.  I was always the one who “knew” that we were called to full-time ministry.  I have wanted that since I was a child.  I desperately want to be powerfully used by God.  But now I am filled with hesitation.

I Peter 5:8 says “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.”  I know the adversity, hardships, and obstacles that my enemy will through my way.  I saw that he did to my parents.  I have felt the sting of attack for myself as well.  I know that my God is more powerful that he is.  But I know that I am weak.  I have seen much stronger men and women than myself fall and fail.  I have seen pastors’ families destroyed.  I don’t want to be one of them.

I have always believed that it is an honor for Satan to attack because he would not bother with me if I was impotent for Christ.  He will only go after those who are a threat to him.  I want to be a threat to him.  I want to be a light for Christ in a world so full of darkness.

I am weak and I am scared.

I am scared, but I am willing.

II Corinthians 12:9-10 “But He said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

May I never forget how weak I truly am.

Check out this song by Barlow Girl. What a great theme song for this post!

One More Round

I’m telling you now I’m not gonna lose it
I am not defeated
Though you cannot see it
I have never won a battle on my own
I find strength in weakness
I find hope in believing
God is for me who can bring me down?
So take me one more round
I’ll just keep fighting

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